2019 In Sounds
I’ve been getting a little heavy here. In a sense, I feel like I should apologize, because who wants to be subjected to 2,000 words of navel-gazing self-flagellation twice a month or so? In a much larger sense though, this is my little corner of the internet and no one is being forced to read it.
To take a little break from some of the longer, heavier essays I’ve been writing, I wanted to share a playlist with you all. This is my year in sounds. I make a playlist every month, to which I add music that sums up how I’m feeling. You know those songs that just get you? That’s what these are to me. I’ve been doing this for the last five years, and what I have is hundreds of hours of music turned into a sort of sonic mood diary. I won’t push the entirety of my off musical taste on you, so here’s one song from each month. I’ve included a little journal of sorts below so you can read a little about why that particular ditty was on repeat.
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01. Sober Motel, DILLY DALLY
Before January of 2019, I’d never heard of DILLY DALLY, but the coffee shop across the street from my home in Philadelphia started playing this album nearly every time I was in. This is also when I started spending a ton of time in the coffee shop. (Because I was getting used to living by myself in that big ole empty house.) I chose this one because it’s structured but chaotic—much like my life at the time. I started 2019 by getting over some major fears—being alone, public speaking—and a huge accomplishment: being in PhillyMag. I was excited but also anxious, especially since January was also my first full month off prescription drugs. I went over to a friend’s house on New Year’s day and found a dollar by the curb outside her apartment. I picked it up thinking, “I feel like this dollar is significant, but I don’t know how. Let’s hope it’s a good omen for the coming year.” I think it was. I still have it.
02. Sleep Through It, Wildhoney
February was more of the same, I was really happy with where I was professionally but really unhappy with my relationship, to the point where I taught myself to oversleep because sleep meant that I didn’t have to be berated for every minor fuck-up. The prevailing feeling this particular month was something I’ll call “optimistic chronic depression.”
03. Morning, Jim Ed Brown
This is one of the sweetest love songs I know. Thankfully, I had a mid-2019-plot-twist that included falling in love and reclaiming this tune, but in March, the song took on an entirely different meaning. Where it was intended to explore the idea of the ephemeral nature of love and how joyous it is to live in the moment with your partner, it became a somber reminder that my relationship was coming to an end. The bad outweighed the good for far too long, but that didn’t mean that the original chemistry and passion weren’t still there somewhere, most often found in those sleepy moments. Getting ready together. Exchanging dead-eyed-but-familiar glances in the mirror while brushing our teeth. Grabbing coffee before heading back to the airport. I listened to it on repeat on the plane ride heading home, sobbing uncontrollably, knowing that morning was the last we’d ever have together. “I know so well that this is all there is and when we leave this room, it’s gone.” It still gets me.
04. Love Will Ruin Your Mind, Lungfish
April was not a great month. I was in the throes of a painful, unnecessarily-long breakup. I relapsed. I was angry. I was starting to have a difficult time at work. The loneliness was getting to me. Enough said.
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05. Smoke Signals, Phoebe Bridgers
As happens with most breakups, I spent this month in deep introspection, not just for my recently dissolved partnership, but of the one before it. And the one before that one. This is when I first realized that I have some serious co-dependency issues, and I decided to stay in this sadness just a bit longer to figure out how to not get caught up in whenever my next thing decided to come along. I made a vow to stay single for a full year and only hoe it up on my terms. (Not for validation.) One of those plans actually worked out. I spent May being mostly stoic, really focusing on work and getting a lot of shit done. Whereas H1 was characterized by that persistent “optimistic chronic depression,” I went into H2 knowing that not only change was going to come, but that I had to make it happen myself. I never could have been prepared for all of it though, to be perfectly honest.
06. Lips Like Sugar, Echo & the Bunnymen
Early June was a turning point not just for my 2019, but for my life. June 6th, 2019 disrupted damn near everything. I hosted a work event in Brooklyn and, while everyone was mingling, glanced at the sun setting over the Manhattan skyline and thought to myself, “I think I might need to move here.” I instantly pushed it down because I was comfortable in Philly. But I also knew that I’d basically hit my career ceiling there and that if I didn’t make a change, I was going to become complacent. This was also a significant evening because it’s when I met the most wonderful man I’ve ever known and shared the most perfect kiss; one I still feel weak to think about. The most significant occurrence here is that I met my “careful fear” and “dead devotion” halfway with some cautious optimism. The right partner will bring that out of you, I suppose?
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07. Oblivions, The National
After seeing The National (twice in one year, I know) I hadn’t been able to stop listening to I Am Easy To Find. (Fun fact, I listened to 136 hours of The National in 2019.) July went by like a dream. I was falling in love but doing it the right way for the first time in my life. It was a slow burn, and I was allowing it to happen. I only used these lyrics as an Insta-caption once but I kept replaying them over and over and over in m head: “If nothing scares you about me and you, never put me down.” I still feel this way, even after the initial rush of “newly-in-love” feelings have worn off. I think that means it’s the real deal? Another July high-point? Getting an offer for my current job, which put the wheels in motion for all of these changes.
08. Have You Considered Punk Music, Self Defense Family
According to my EZPass statement for August, I spent over $400 in tolls, most of which was spent while this song was playing on repeat. I was constantly between Philly and New York looking for apartments as well as just visiting. August was when I finally let my fears of vulnerability go. I spent most of the month in awe of my new partner and the fact that he places so much importance on creativity, something I’ve gotten so bad at recently. I also spent most of the month on an adrenaline high as I was getting ready to move to a new city to start this exciting new chapter in my career. (And life.) It was a little bit of a “calm before the storm” situation. I spent August spending as much time as I could just slowing down and enjoying life as it was, knowing that it was about to change forever. This was another chaotic time but it was probably the happiest I’ve been. I’m thankful for the momentary lapse in reality. It’s necessary sometimes.
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09. Marquee Moon, Television
September was quite a month. I moved to a new city. I started a new job. I began to embrace this new, more solitary way of living. I’ve always been sort of a loner, but I really started to grabble with the difference between willing solitude and “forced” solitude. I spent a lot of time listening to this song because not only did it lyrically fit some of the themes of my life, but apparently, it was recorded in one take—the producer thought it was a rehearsal. If that doesn’t perfectly sum up my first month in New York, I don’t know what does.
10. The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face, Roberta Flack
It’s never been easy for me to slow down, and of course living in New York makes it even more difficult, but because of that, I’ve been trying to get much better of it. One way I started was by being fully-present with my partner when we’re together, and not constantly distracted by him when we’re apart. It’s done wonders for my war against my proclivities to be co-dependent, and it’s made me appreciate him so much more. In October, I started to think that while this may not be the easiest, it just might be the real deal.
11. It’s A Wonderful Life, Sparklehorse
This song is an old favorite. It got a lot of airtime as I was zipping around South Jersey in my Ford Explorer 10 years ago or so. It’s a bittersweet one—Mark Linkous wrote this one as a “fuck you” to music journalists who said his lyrics were too morose. Of course, he ended up committing suicide less than 10 years later. I spent a lot of time listening to this song in November as I noticed that I was teetering on the precipice of seasonal depression but refusing to fall completely into it. I was in denial that things were sort of unraveling. Not in any sort of dire sense, but that the rush of moving somewhere new was over and the sadness that, for me, comes with familiarity was settling in.
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12. Chateau Lobby #4 (in C for Two Virgins), Father John Misty
In December, it all came back together. I came to terms with the fact that things wouldn’t be “close to perfect” for some time, and that they’d more than likely never be “perfect.” It took a while to get there, but once I did, I realized just how wonderful life could be. I’m taking it a day at a time, something I’ve never really been able to do. The sadness still comes in waves but I’m okay with that. More than anything, I’m really happy with this year, and looking back, I’m a little sad to see it go. Do I think that 2020 is going to come with as many huge accomplishments? Definitely not, but I’m excited for a “rest” year. To fall deeper in love. To get used to my new life in New York. To make and break a new daily routine. And, above anything else, to get to know who I am better than I ever have.
Here’s to a new year.
xo, e.m.